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The very first working phoning in my life aroused complex feelings. On the one hand, it was pretty cool - I spoke with the Americans from Microsoft as an equal member of the team, they listened to me, and it raised my self-esteem. On the other hand, I had a strange feeling - here we talked for four hours, and in fact we did not recognize and did not say anything new. Stupidly spent a lot of time.

I thought - well, okay, that’s probably not always the case. About 5 years have passed since then, I changed my work more than once, but everywhere and always calls were a waste of time.

You guys work in IT, and you know very well how gigantic part of our work is to call up. I also knew. My average working day contained a couple of hours of this chatter, and it became unbearable. I started to get nervous - I probably won’t be able to work as a normal developer if the stupid phone calls get me so nervous.

The more I worked, the more I hated them. I hated the calls themselves and even more hated the people who initiated them. Every time I talked to him, this vile "we work on Ajail, it’s customary for us to carry out daily syncaps, retro, demos." It reads like "we know that your life is too easy, you bastard, and you believe us, we can ruin it."

It became fundamental for me to understand and explain to everyone why all these sinks are useless. I have found many arguments.

Here we have git, github, working chat, confluence, in the end the code and comments in it. Code review, ishuis, fat. Alo, are you not enough places to discuss working moments? Ah, you are uncomfortable with the text. Why is it not convenient? Maybe because you, such a donkey, cannot fuck up in your head, what exactly do you want to say, and now you want to reflect out loud at the expense of my time? Maybe the fact is that you really do not need to discuss anything with anyone, and you just want to portray productivity?

We conduct daily syncaps in which we play aloud the information that was previously recorded in fat. On deyliki you may be asked additional questions - which are later duplicated in fat. Often still offer to log. To write down everything that has been said, because they subconsciously understand that only textual information works. A week after any call, all that remains is what you wrote down.

So maybe, well, I don’t know, IMMEDIATELY record it instead of phoning?

This is the most important thing - everything that was said on the call and not recorded does not exist. It lies only in the memory of the callers, who can forget or quit. Or generally remember in different ways and then argue until hoarseness as it was. Any brainstorming over serious problems may work - but not better if you do this in correspondence. And most importantly - the correspondence will remain, we can always return to it, and understand how we came to the decision, and why.

Phones do not work well, and they are also expensive. They eat a bunch, a gigantic bunch of time, they cannot be accelerated. And they are exhausting. Those of you who happen to hang around on a seven-hour call with a dozen participants will understand what I'm talking about - after an hour of this hell you start to want to die. At the third hour, you start to play games on your computer insolently. At the sixth hour, I usually look for vacancies to change this job to horseradish.

I am a big fan of sitting down for work all night - and the last thing I want to do later is to hold morning Edge rituals. Usually, the more code I write, the more and better I work, the more animals I get from phoning. They either interfere with my work, or interfere with rest, when I have already done all the work.

I thought - well, maybe I'm not the only one. And he began to ask. In short, I did not find a single developer from my friends who would like them. One of them - he works in the economy - in general, ignited from this topic and gave out the most angry tirade of his life, and he is usually a very calm dude.

More than once I caught myself feeling that we were sitting for the third hour in a call — five developers, two non-developers. And all the developers are stupidly waiting for it to finally end. When one of us is asked a question, he asks again - because he didn’t listen to him. Everyone is busy with their own affairs in order to do at least something important during this time.I feel a wave of joy in my bros of programmers with my skin when I say: “Well, everything seems to have solved all the questions, good luck to everyone!”. Ohhhh, come on dude, good luck, bye, have a good working day, I have no questions, I'll tell you anything - just finish it.

So, if many programmers do not like to call up, then how did it turn out that freaking syncaps occupy such a place in our working culture?

I found three reasons. There are people who poorly perceive textual information, and cannot formulate a thought normally without an interlocutor. You know, this is your team lead, which gives out “give voice” to any trifle with which you were not lucky to come to him. For such people, I have very bad news - they need to either relearn or fail from the digital industry. Development is about text interaction, and only that.

There are people who just love to chat. They are the smallest of evils, because I always had this kind of life-threatening: "Bro, if you want to chat, call after work. I will take a beer and we will discuss everything that you want without the oppressive illusion that we solve work problems". If a person just wants to chat, you can just chat with him. You just don’t have to do this as part of the work responsibilities of the people on the team. If you have a good friend in the team and you like to program in pairs - the flag is in your hands. When the call takes place on a mutual initiative, everything is in order. But in my practice, they were always imposed on me, and my refusal to call up was perceived as an unwillingness to work.

The third reason is worse and deeper. Infotsygan. Some of the PMs, the shieldjayl coaches are shmouchi, the scrum slaves, and other rabble, who also really wants IT money, but could not, bitch, into the code. They couldn’t get into the code, they couldn’t manage, they couldn’t even test. And now they came to us to teach us how to work. We are condescending to them, feeling our intellectual superiority, but this makes us the biggest idiots. We are all so smart and cool, and as a result, these stupid bastards spoil our lives, building our fucking agile conveyor every year, which in turn worsens our quality of life at work in a quadratic progression.

But we don’t go to business bosses, and we don’t say that we should get rid of this rabble. Instead, we, contrary to all obstacles, continue to do our job efficiently in the fast-growing luxury market. The business sees new profits, and thinks this is happening thanks to agile coaches. As a result, info gypsies continue to prosper, devour authority and are even more affirmed in thought - developers have written code well, because developers have been taught to work correctly.

I sincerely hate these people. I despise them. As a developer, I can write code well in five languages, do devops tasks, test, test from code, I know a bunch of libraries, frameworks and runtimes. I am able to design databases. I understand the interworking, algorithms, optimizations, management, his mother, projects, training people, and much more. I know the subject area of ​​processes that I automate. My minimum required competencies include a huge number of things from related areas - because otherwise I will be simply useless. To some extent, all programmers are able to do this. But people from IT who have never in their life bothered to write a simple script - I do not understand what they forgot here. Their impenetrable unwillingness to learn at least something technical is disgusting.

At the same time, I have no problem with the fact that they are of no use — there is a lot of money in the industry, and if someone gets it literally for nothing - well, God bless him. I will not give a shit, even if they will be paid ten times more than me. Someone wants to keep useless, stupid idlers - I can live with it. The problem is that loafers are aware of their futility, and in order to hide it, they stuff their working day with meaningless rituals. This is their defense by attack. They convince everyone around that people who do not like ringing and do not dance according to rituals do not really want to work. This is nonsense. I am convinced that it is precisely the callers who cannot work.

And since nothing works without industry in the industry, they begin to fill our working day with these rituals.Jira, syncaps, retro, planning poker, mandatory chat unsubscribing at the beginning and end of the working day, corporate events - these idiots have time for this, because they don’t do anything else.

And we still have to write code. I get a job working as a developer, because I want to write code for money, and it seems to me to demand that most of my work consist in development — my inalienable right. You cannot hire a developer, and force him to do testing from morning till night - no matter how much you pay him. So why are you ready to get the programmer to talk and perform your rituals?

I’m seriously thinking of inviting my friend from Sberbank to organize an Italian strike - to get tickets in the style of "phoning with something, putting backlog in order", etc. - and do not write code at all. And see how and when they come to the fact that he needs to be fired. I’m afraid that it’s never and never.

Last year I have not been working in companies. I have design work, and on them - only one call per week. I've never been so productive. I do a lot, but I still have a lot of free time to cut a pet project, write articles and shoot my podcast. And the thought that I have to do a lot at work causes joy, not the usual disgust. It only depends on me whether I will do everything in an hour, or in a day, and whether I will do more than necessary - at the moment when the necessary minimum is ready, I can already turn off the phone and leave for the rest of the day to the river - because I have guarantee - no one will call me. Surprisingly, this state of affairs has changed my approach to work - now I often do more than necessary.

If my design work ends, and I have to work again in a corporation that lobbies for phoning, I’ll just never go a damn thing, never do it there. I’ll delete all IDEs from the computer, put a bunch of slacks, and immerse myself in the “work”. If they need a dialer, they will receive it.

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